


Completely Normal Sick Fic

by 264feet



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Burgerpants Gets Owned, Canon Divergence - Asgore Can Use Undernet, Comedy, Fluff and Crack, Free Minecraft Gold, Friendship, Fruit Punch but Literally, Gen, Hot Pocket Discourse, Kickstarter Scams, Osmosis Jones Allusions, Sickfic, Social Media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 20:53:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14679288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/264feet/pseuds/264feet
Summary: Honest. *(*Sponsored by Bowl Holes™. Bowl Holes™ is not responsible for: soup on the floor, milk on the floor, juice on the floor, food on the floor, or death.)





	Completely Normal Sick Fic

**ALPHYS** posted a new status: ugggghhh i think im coming down with something ((´д｀))

27 Comments:

**Coolskeleton95:** OH NO! IS THIS WHAT THEY CALL A ‘COLD’?  
**Coolskeleton95:** I WILL BRING SPAGHETTI NOODLE SOUP TO HELP! IT IS SPAGHETTI WITH EXTRA WATER TO STAY HYDRATED!  
**Strongfish91:** I’m coming over too!!!!!!!!!! I’ll bring some nutritious fruit punch!  
**Coolskeleton95:** (SHE CALLS IT THAT BECAUSE SHE PUNCHES THE FRUITS.)  
**Strongfish91:** It’s what they call a STRONG DRINK!!!!!!!  
**ALPHYS:** nNO that's ok omg…… no….  
**Strongfish91:** I insist!!! You’re sick and not in a slang way!!  
**Strongfish91:** not that you’re NOT sick in a slang way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**Coolskeleton95:** I INSIST ALSO! WE HAVE BEEN ‘MUTUALS’ IN THE VERY SMALL ‘MY LITTLE BONEY’ FANDOM FOR YEARS. EVEN THOUGH THE SHOW HAS BEEN ON HIATUS FOR AS MANY YEARS. AND WE ARE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE FANDOM.  
**Tea_dad:** I can bring over an herbal tea. It does wonders!  
**Tea_dad:** You could say it “pwns” the illness in your body as if it were a “weak noob”.  
**Strongfish91:** Yeah!!!!!!!!! That sounds sick Asgore!!!!  
**Tea_dad:** No, it is not supposed to be sick, it is supposed to be… “epic” healthy.  
**ALPHYS** : NONONO no your highness that’s. Thats enough, its not necessary h,aha,,,,,,,,,,,,,  
**Tea_dad:** Are you certain?  
**ALPHYS:** YES its ok everyone else will,, do a great job taking care of me,???? I guess??? ໒( •́ ∧ •̀ )७  
**Tea_dad:** I understand. If you need me, you may always reach out by phone or even on this newfangled ‘UnderNet’. I am becoming better with it every day!  
**Tea_dad:** garlic bread  
**Tea_dad:** Whoops! This was the wrong photo on which I’ve commented -laughs- The  
UnderNet is too young for an old egg like me!  
**Unregistered_user:** .:EPIC MINECRAFT HACKS scam.me/minecrafthacks:. xX fσℓℓσω fσя fσℓℓσω ραℓє вℓσg xX WOW! ***FREE MINECRAFT GOLD FREE MINECRAFT MEME WOW! COMPLETE FREE SURVEY WOW IT REALLY WORKS! I WON 50000G DOING SURVEY ONLINE JUST CLICK THIS LINK: download_trolololol.mp3_.exe_.html_.exe  
**ALPHYS:** thanks sans.  
**Tea_dad:** What is this “Tro lo lol” song? What is “lol”?  
**Unregistered_user:** “lots of love”. for example: your mom just died, LOL.  
**Tea_dad:** Oh! I see!  
**Tea_dad:** It seems my computer has a “trojan horse” LOL. I do not even have a stable for it  
**Tea_dad:** Where is my “Mine Craft” Gold? This is not “epic”. LOL  
**Strongfish91:** aSGORE NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-

**Burgerpants69** posted a new status: cough cough i think im sick too oh no…. might take a day off or two………..

4 Comments:

**METTATON_OFFICIAL:** Oh, how tragic! I will request you a fleet of ambulances at once!  
**METTATON_OFFICIAL:** By the way, did you know that wasting time of emergency services carries a 5000G fine? I just thought that was interesting!  
**Burgerpants69:** w,,ait no,,,,, plea,se ,  
**Unregistered_user:** .:EPIC MINECRAFT HACKS scam.me/minecrafthacks:. xX fσℓℓσω fσя fσℓℓσω ραℓє вℓσg xX WOW! ***FREE MINECRAFT GOLD FREE MINECRAFT MEME WOW! COMPLETE FREE SURVEY WOW IT REALLY WORKS! I WON 50000G DOING SURVEY ONLINE JUST CLICK THIS LINK: download_trolololol.mp3_.exe_.html_.exe

  
\---

There was no scientific reason for a monster to get sick. Monsters were made of magic, and even after years of intensive research supplemented by healthy doses of binge-watching anime, Alphys’s professional opinion was that it was stupid and made no sense. Footnote: it sucked.

She laid in bed in her pyjamas, one leg out of the blanket and the rest of her covered, unsure if she was hot or cold. Her stomach occasionally attempted to establish communication via a series of interpretive groans and sharp pains, but whether or not she was hungry or dying remained yet to be seen.

A heaping dose of anxiety had been dumped on top of the fever, to boot. People! Coming to her lab! And there was nothing she could do about it! She felt as trapped the immobile goal point of a tower defense game, and the invading enemies were her friends, and her defenses were germs. Actually, then she wasn’t sure who should win. She slammed her head into her dakimakura and groaned; she hadn’t been able to think straight for ages. Nobody wins when you’re sick, except hopefully the human-created character “Osmosis Jones”. Her years of intensive research supplemented by healthy doses of Bill Murray had reached no consensus yet on if Osmosis Jones was real. Human biology made no sense either.

Papyrus was the first to arrive. She could tell because suddenly the entire lab smelled so strongly of spaghetti that, for a startling moment, her sinuses were clear. Also, because he was shouting. “ALPHYS! I HAVE ARRIVED WITH MY WORLD FAMOUS SPAGHETTI NOODLE SOUP! TEE EMM! DISCLAIMER: NOT YET WORLD FAMOUS.”

“i don’t think you pronounce the trademark symbol,” Sans said. Oh, so he was here too. She lifted her head to deliver a devastating roast about Minecraft gold and being too lazy to finish creating an Undernet profile in order to create a username, but all that came out was a cough.

“THE CONDITION IS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!” Papyrus said, and suddenly he was on the second floor as if he just leapt all the way up like a kangaroo. Suddenly, Sans was there too, and she knew he was too lazy to take more than 1 stair per hour. “DOCTOR ALPHYS! HOW ARE YOU FEELING?”

“A-as virus-laden as Asgore’s computer,” she sniffled. “Sans, y-you know you’re gonna pay for that.”

“they can’t legally ban me if my account isn’t fully registered,” Sans said. He helpfully found one of Alphys’s TV tables and found space amongst all the tissues for it to rest near Alphys’s bed.

Papyrus placed the bowl in his hands down on it, along with a pair of pencils. “EAT UP TO REGAIN YOUR STRENGTH! I KNOW YOU ENJOY EATING WITH TWO LITTLE STICKS, LIKE IN ‘ANIME’, SO I HAVE PROVIDED A FEW!”

She peered into the bowl of ‘Spaghetti Noodle Soup’, keeping her blanket close to her out of fear that the two adults in a costume and in a hoodie that had never once been washed would judge her pyjamas. “Papyrus… is this, um... just spaghetti that wasn’t drained?”

“WHAT? NO! WHO DOES THAT?” he scoffed. “THIS IS SPAGHETTI NOODLE SOUP! FIRST I REACH IN AND GRAB THE SPAGHETTI OUT OF THE COOKING WATER! AND THEN I PLACE IT IN THE MEDICINAL WATER!”

“R-reach in and grab?” she said. “Out of the boiling water??? D-don’t you use a strainer?”

“A WHAT?”

“she means my pending patent, ‘bowl holes’,” Sans explained. He pulled out his phone, sorted through the 14,834 unread emails regarding Minecraft Gold, and pulled up his TrickStarter page. The resulting video looked like it was a recording of a 180p recording of a recording of an animation made in PowerPoint.

* “introducing bowl holes,” said Sans in the video. “is eating out of a bowl just too easy? are you like the michael jordan of eating out of a bowl? do you wanna suffer for no reason?” He held up a pasta strainer. “bowl holes: its useless™.”

“TEE EMM,” said Papyrus, as the video closed.

The brothers patiently waited for Alphys to snap out of her extremely confused haze and remember to breathe/cough, as her face was turning blue. “That’s--” Another coughing fit. “I-it’s… unique…?” she said. “A-although I’m not sure who would, uh, be interested--”

“I would be!!!!!” said a voice that could only be Undyne, because it was naturally louder than Mettaton, whose vocal chords were literally microphones. “It’s freakin’ awesome! Regular bowls are so boring! Where’s the challenge?!?!”

Undyne ran up the stairs with a bowl of fruit punch that was rapidly leaking out of a strainer. “Better drink up while you still can, nerd!”

Alphys jumped out of bed, Mew Mew Kissy Cutie footie pyjamas be damned. “Th-th-that’s very unsanitary and oh my god I left my research notes all over the floor like an idiot--”

“Your pyjamas are so cute?!?!?” Undyne said, and Alphys squeaked. She found herself picked up quite simply by a tall skeleton and placed back in bed.

“DOCTOR ALPHYS, YOU ARE SICK! YOU NEED TO RECOVER YOUR STRENGTH! EAT YOUR SPAGHETTI NOODLE SOUP AND DRINK YOUR FRESHLY PUNCHED PUNCH!”

“Uh, too late,” Undyne said. “Fortunately, I have some I made earlier!” She produced a water bottle filled with something that looked dubiously like orange juice. “Go ahead!”

“I-- I just--”

“No need to feel guilty!” Undyne said, helpfully. “I have plenty more at home. I just love punching fruit!”

Alphys anxiously accepted the bottle and took a sip. It took all her willpower not to spit it out immediately. “Th-this is… certainly…” She clicked her tongue. “Sweet?”

“Yeah!!!” Undyne said. “I know you love sweet stuff like soda and not bitter stuff like Asgore’s tea! So I put some sugar in the punch to sweeten it up!”

“Undyne…” Alphys swished the bottle, which she was rapidly realizing was sugar with a little juice in it. “H-how much?”

“Uh… I dunno how much is in soda… like a bowl?” she said.

“FROM WHAT I’VE SEEN ON THE UNDERNET, THAT SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT!” Papyrus said. “I DON’T KNOW HOW THEY GET IT ALL IN THERE! FORTUNATELY, MY SPAGHETTI NOODLE SOUP IS SUGAR-FREE!”

Alphys was rubbing her temples, making a mental note to discreetly pour the sugar/juice down the drain when she had the chance. “I-I’m really not feeling that bad, e-everyone, I--”

“HERE COMES THE CHOO CHOO TRAIN!” Papyrus said, shoving a spoonful of Spaghetti Noodle Soup into her mouth. She gagged on the noodles, discovering the hard way that they were somehow completely uncooked. “WORRY NOT, DOCTOR ALPHYS! IT IS JUST AN EXPRESSION! IT IS ACTUALLY DELICIOUS SOUP IN YOUR MOUTH AND NOT A CHOO CHOO TRAIN.”

“uh, i think she might think those noodles are a little… undercooked,” Sans said.

“Nonsense! They’re not undercooked, they’re rare!” Undyne said.

“i think rare is for steaks.”

“OH PLEASE!” Papyrus said; Alphys utilized the moment he turned around to spit the raw noodles into a nearby trash can. “SANS, YOU HAVE NO PALETTE! YOU PUT HOT POCKETS IN THE MICROWAVE LIKE A CRETIN BEFORE YOU EAT THEM!”

“they’re called ‘hot pockets’, not ‘cold pockets’,” Sans pointed out. Alphys reached for another tissue, her head pounding.

“WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD THEY BE FROZEN IF YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO EAT THEM THAT WAY?” Papyrus argued. “ARE YOU TRYING TO INSINUATE THAT SOMEONE WOULD COOK A POCKET AND THEN FREEZE IT, ONLY FOR IT TO BE HEATED UP AGAIN?”

“Yeah!!! It’s called FROZEN food, not microwave food!” Undyne yelled, laughing.

The squabble continued for several headache-worsening moments before Alphys snapped. “That’s enough!” she said, standing up. In the few brief moments she’d had her eyes closed to blow her nose again, Undyne had Papyrus in a headlock and the strainer/’bowl holes’ unit was upside-down on Sans’s head. “L-look. I-I’m really grateful you guys came over and all that, but I really just don’t feel well and I just wanted to rest, not get involved in… uh… all this.”

The three all looked down at the ground in shame, which would have been a solemn moment if the strainer didn’t fall off of Sans’s head and clang on the ground.

“YOU ARE RIGHT. I WAS SO EXCITED TO HELP THE GREAT DOCTOR ALPHYS AND SAVE THE DAY THAT I RUSHED ON MY FAMOUS SPAGHETTI NOODLE SOUP AND HURRIED OVER. I THOUGHT I WAS BEING HELPFUL, BUT IT WAS ONLY OUT OF A SELFISH DESIRE.” He popped his skull off, stepped respectfully out of Undyne’s headlock, and then screwed his skull back on. “I AM SORRY.”

“Yeah, me too…” Undyne said. “I know you like being alone, so I should’ve respected your privacy and asked if you wanted help before I came over.”

“sorry we messed it up,” Sans said. “i guess we did it ‘cause… welp. we care about you, y’know?”

“Aw, y-you guys…” she said. She thought about beckoning them in for a hug, but then coughed and hacked wildly, and then the moment was gone. “Th-thank you all. I, uh. Care about you too?”

“What can we do for you, Alphys? Anything?” Undyne asked. “Say the word and I’ll punch up some more fruits, or I’ll go to the hospital in New Home and buy medicine, or--”

She was silenced by Alphys shaking her head. “None of that,” she said. “It… well, I got mad for a minute there, and that punch on the ground may or may not be warping the tiles... But!” She clasped her hands together, smiling. “N-nobody’s ever come to help me when I’m sick before, s-so… uh… just having you guys here is enough.”

Undyne covered her mouth with a hand, touched. Sans gave a small nod of approval. Papyrus was sniffling hard even despite his lack of a nose.

“woah, you sound sick too, bro,” Sans said.

“I’M NOT!!!!!” Papyrus said, erupting into bawls. “I JUST CAUGHT A CASE OF ‘THE FEELS’!”

“How about we put aside the spaghetti for now and I’ll put on some ramen?” Undyne asked, to which both Papyrus and Alphys nodded. “It’ll be chicken-flavored, so that’s like close enough to chicken noodle soup!”

“M-maybe don’t use the ‘bowl holes’ this time,” Alphys said.

“aw, you wanna eat it out of a normal bowl like a baby bones?” Sans said.

“Yes,” Alphys said, deadpan.

“knowing your limits is the greatest strength of all. i respect that,” he said. “i’ll go get some anime to watch. whaddya say, pap?”

“IT’S NOT QUITE MY THING, BUT I’LL DO ANYTHING IF IT’S PART OF DOCTOR ALPHYS’S RECOVERY!”

“its my medical opinion that it’s a critical part of her recovery to give me a shoulder rub.”

“I’LL DO _ALMOST_ ANYTHING IF IT’S PART OF DOCTOR ALPHYS’S RECOVERY,” he said. The two brothers continued their little feud as they went to select an anime.

Alphys flopped back on her bed, exhausted but grinning. From what she could tell with her stuffy nose, the air smelled of sharp citrus from the spilled punch and of cooking ramen noodles, and she felt… happy? Severely congested and feverish, but happy.

It wouldn’t last, a voice told her, and she pressed a pillow into her face. Even then she couldn’t stifle it. They were gathered just above the amalgamates, and if they found out, they would all hate her. Papyrus would hate her, even if they used to share embarrassing fanfiction. Undyne would hate her, even if they both loved anime. Sans… might not hate her, the dog food bag he’d given her was indication enough. Yeah.

Yeah! Screw the mean voice in her head! What the hell had it ever done besides be mean and in her head? She threw the pillow off her face and instead held the dakimakura close to her. People could like her! Probably! The mean voice probably would be back tomorrow, or maybe in five minutes but it was okay. If medicine was the cure for sickness, maybe the cure for the mean voice was… friendship…? The wide-eyed stare from Princess-chan Neko on her pillow seemed to agree.

Undyne returned with noodles for everyone, and just plain un-sugared water at Alphys’s request (with no spaghetti in it, also at her request, to Papyrus’s faint dismay). They gathered around as the anime started on TV, Papyrus helpfully handing tissues to Alphys when she needed them, and then later hogging them for himself to mop his tears at the sad parts. Sans may or may not have fallen asleep, but every time anxiety struck her or she heard shuffling from down below or she thought it was too good to be true, he was awake to give her a reassuring smile.

There was no reason for monsters to be sick, and it still sucked, she concluded after another coughing fit. Undyne rubbed her back soothingly; Papyrus rooted for Osmosis Jones in her immune system confidently. After some extensive field research, though, she might conclude one use for illness: to have your weird ragtag friends come take care of you and bring you all closer together.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I've been having a really stressful time lately and I wanted to write something cute. And then this happened instead.


End file.
